Talk it out: ‘Retirement’s made my husband more controlling. It’s a big strain on me’

Your words highlight how deeply you value self-care and purposeful living. The experience you have shared made me reflect on how stubbornness often becomes a tool for asserting predictability, acting as an anchor in the face of uncertainty. When life starts to feel beyond our control — a sentiment which may grow with age — discomfort with spontaneity rises, driving us to seek solace in familiarity. This need for structure or sameness can leave others around us feeling restricted, perhaps the way you’ve been feeling with your husband. I invite you to gently ask yourself, “How might I focus on what matters the most to me while navigating these constraints?”. This may involve stepping back from draining interactions and nurturing pockets of autonomy — whether by redefining boundaries with loved ones or stepping out to connect with other like-minded people who can join you in shared pursuits. Communal experiences not only cultivate joy, but also foster emotional safety and support.

Life’s demands seem to have engulfed your son, leaving him adrift in helplessness and dimming his hope. In a world driven by constant competition, grades and achievements transform from markers of success into pillars of identity. Failure at social standards starts to feel like a failure of self, thereby creating negative associations with experiences which remind us of this failing. For students, avoidance of academics often becomes a form of self-preservation, while screen time rises as a refuge — offering temporary respite. To re-author your son’s relationship with learning, firstly consider bridging isolation: connect him with peers navigating similar struggles and work with career coaches/mentors to discover alternative paths. Secondly, examine interests beyond traditional streams, thereby allowing him a chance to uncover new things about himself. Additionally, I would recommend exploring therapy for emotional grounding, helping him process these pressures of life and subsequently reducing reliance on the phone for coping.

While we often categorise emotions as “good” or “bad”, it’s important to acknowledge that they are responses to what unfolds around us. Your anger or stress isn’t the problem; in fact, they’re your body’s way of alerting you when something isn’t okay. Anger, commonly misjudged as merely a negative feeling, holds a richer purpose — standing up against injustice. I would ask you: What is your anger a testimony to? What does it try to protect? Is it a refusal to accept harm? What values do you hold precious that feel threatened by the actions of others: respect, compassion, kindness? If bullying repeatedly occurs in a specific context, report it to the concerned authorities to demand accountability and corrective measures. Further support may come from working with a therapist to safely process emotions, establish boundaries and challenge beauty standards — preventing them from shaping your self-worth.